Truth to Hold Onto Monday, Jan 26 2009 

This song was on the radio tonight on my way home.

I think it was for me.

What If

Jadon Lavik

What if I climbed that mountain
What if I swam to that shore
What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more?
Would you love me more?

What if I were everybody’s first choice
What if I went farther than before
What if I stood high above the rest then would you love me more?
Would you love me more?

You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
Why You do, why You do
I’m in awe of You, ooh

What if I ignored the hand that fed me
What if I forgot to confess
What if I stumbled down that mountain then would you love me less?
Lord would You love me less

What if I were everyone’s last choice
What if I mixed in with the rest
What if I failed what I passed before
then would you love me less Lord would you
would you love me less, oh no oh no oh no

You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
Why You do, why You do
I’m in awe of You, ooh


What have I done to deserve Your son sent to die for me?
What can I give I want to live give me eyes to see
In a world that keeps changin’ there’s one thing that I know is true
Your love is stayin’ there’s nothing else I’ll hold onto

The way You love me, the way You do
The way You do, the way You love me, You love me, You love me
The way You do, the way You do, the way You love me
The way You love, You love, You love

You know sometimes… Thursday, Sep 20 2007 

…how you hear a song, and it so perfectly expresses what you’re feeling? Well this is that song for me at the moment.

Beauty From Pain, by Superchick

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive
But I feel like I died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Can you guess what happened?

It still hurts too much to talk about beyond that at the moment, but God is faithful and I know he has a plan.

Cutting off my right hand. Thursday, Aug 30 2007 

I realise that I haven’t written anything for a while. That’s probably due to busyness and perhaps also feeling a bit self conscious about my thoughts.

This will be the most personal post I’ve written on here. The poem labelled ‘Tears’ is pretty personal, but so obscure that only a few people will really know what it’s about.

In recent weeks, my boyfriend and I have struggled a lot with sexual sin. We know it’s wrong, we know all the theoretical and Biblical reasons under the sun for why we should stop, but we continue to sin in this way against God and each other.

The thing with sin is, it doesn’t just confine itself to one area of your life, content with the ruin and destruction it causes there. It seeps through into all the areas of your heart. It breeds selfishness and anger and hatred.

( I realise that putting my trust Jesus’ death on the cross means that sin no longer has power over me, but it still has real life consequences, which is what I’m talking about here.)

Jesus has some pretty serious words to say about sexual sin in his Sermon on the Mount:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”

– Matthew 5:27-30

I find it so easy to be passive about my sin. My thinking would go something like this: “Oh, I know my right hand causes me to sin, but it’s not really that often. And even when I do, it’s not so bad. Remember what I used to be like? Well, I’m not like that anymore… doesn’t that count for something? If it really comes to that, I’ll cut it off, but I can’t see me needing to…”

And yet here I have Jesus, Son of the Most High God and Lord of my life, telling me to cut off the things in my life that cause me to sin. NOW! Not if the sinning continues, not if it gets worse, not if people start to notice.

If it causes you to sin, cut it off.

So here I am, in the middle of a week (maybe longer) of “just friends” with my boyfriend.

We decided that spending some time apart (though, not ignorant of each other) would be the best thing to help us get our lives and hearts back on track.

It’s been really difficult, and also confronting.

I am made alarmingly aware of my own selfishness when I want to wallow in my hurt and self-pity, when I expect people to treat me with sensitivity (despite not telling most people about our little break) and most of all, when I want to end this and just go back to the comfort of a relationship.

Perhaps my selfishness was a big part of what created our problems in the first place.

I never realised how hard it would be to get rid of sin once it had become so settled in my heart. Although, Jesus never did say it would be easy, pleasant, or even comfortable.

He said it would be painful. As painful as cutting off your hand or gouging out your eye.

It does hurt at the moment, but I am trying to be more like Jesus, who paid the ultimate price out of love.

I’ll let you know how it goes at the end of the week.

 

::EDIT::

Here are some of the lyrics of songs that deal quite well with this issue, and which I personally love:

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don’t be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed…

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don’t break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

– ‘Let It All Out’, Relient K

 

It’s better off this way
To be deaf, dumb and lame
Than to be the way I am, I am
It’s better off this way
Than be groping for the flame
Than to be the way I am, I am
– ‘The Way I Am’, Jennifer Knapp

 

And you give yourself away… Wednesday, Jun 27 2007 

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And Im waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you

– ‘With or Without You’, U2

 

I bought a new CD a few days ago. It’s called In The Name Of Love and it’s a collection of artists who have redone some U2 songs. I particularly like the cover version of this song, which is done in a RnB kind of style.

This evening I sat in my car beside the river, and listened to the words of this song as I watched the sun set. The clouds turned back to grey and the sky was a soft yellow colour across the horizon.

Something about the words resonated with me. I wanted to hear them again and again.

This song is about divorce, not an issue I’ve had close contact with, so why does it make me feel so deeply?

What, amidst the heartache and anguish, do I enjoy?

 

I had a similiar experience earlier this year. A particular CD reminded me of a painful situation involving a guy. I went through a stage, months later, of listening to the songs over and over again. I let the memories sink in; allowed the hurt to grip me once more.

I think I was looking for what I did wrong. I knew I couldn’t go back and change anything, but I was searching for meaning…. trying to make sense of past pain.

I think I just enjoyed the depth of emotion and allowing myself to surrender to it. Normally I’m not one to give credit to emotions and feelings.

I guess I felt safe knowing that I couldn’t change anything. What was done was in the past, so I couldn’t be hurt in any new way. I was allowed to experience it in the safety of my mind.

Its amazing how music has such power to evoke feelings.

Perhaps this is what I was feeling this evening in my car. I could feel the pain of the lyrics without actually being there; without being damaged.

 

Okay, so I know that all sounds a bit weird. I’m not a masochist. I don’t like to inflict pain on myself.

I allow music to move me, if it has the power to do so.

Have you experienced the emotional power of music?

 

Tears Thursday, Jun 21 2007 

A slow flood rises in me.

I can feel its

Wet chill

Lapping at my insides.

I want it to stop,

But

The water reaches my eyes and

Leaks out over my

Pained expression.

[I don’t understand.]

Words on a screen bring

Sharper sobs,

But it feels petty.

My body

         shakes

With fear as I ponder,

                                 are these tears familiar?

No,

Comes the answer from

A small, rational place in the back of my mind.

[conscience?]

These tears are confused, emotional and

Tired.

Last time was definite,

Painful:-

               the end.

The tears stop long enough for me to see

Hope.

Where rain has fallen,

New life springs forth.

Create a new heart in me, Lord.