I realise it has been a long time since my last post (2 months, I think!). So, if there’s anyone still interested, I’m going to continue where I left off before… 🙂
At the present time, I am mostly unaware of my endo. Aside from a few scars on my tummy and the odd friend checking that everything has been fine since the hospital visit, I don’t think about it much. Blake and I still talk about our future family as if it’s a sure thing. Sometimes one of us will throw in the comment, “If we can have kids…”
Blake has been so incredibly supportive through the whole thing. We weren’t even engaged when I was diagnosed, so he had every reason to break up with me. He has always assured me that it didn’t change anything between us. And, most importantly, he has always encouraged me to trust God in this.
Facing the prospect of infertility really drives home that it is God who is in control of my reproductive system, not me. When you’re planning your marriage and your family, it’s easy to talk as if these things will happen because we say they will. I’m reminded of this passage:
Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
It’s total arrogance to think that we can decide when we will have children and how many we will have when we don’t know what the future holds (to clarify: I don’t think it’s arrogant to discuss these things and make plans. In fact, I think it’s wise to do so! What I’m getting at is expecting that we can say in certainty when these things will happen) . Similarly, it’s foolish to wallow in despair about possibilities of childlessness when it is God who plans out lives before they begin!
However, I think another result of facing possible infertility is that hearing about abortion cuts me more deeply. I have become so much more aware of the preciousness of human life. It hurts me that some are so willing to throw away what I am yearning for, and may not be able to have. Don’t they realise what a miracle it is when a child is created?
Having this condition has most certainly affected the way we plan to enter marriage. We have plans to wait for a few years before trying to have children. However, we are willing to be surprised 🙂 And we think it would be best to start our family by the time I am 25 in order to increase our medical chances of falling pregnant. In the meantime, I hope that this causes us to trust in God more and more as we learn to rest in his sovereignty.