I realise that I haven’t written anything for a while. That’s probably due to busyness and perhaps also feeling a bit self conscious about my thoughts.

This will be the most personal post I’ve written on here. The poem labelled ‘Tears’ is pretty personal, but so obscure that only a few people will really know what it’s about.

In recent weeks, my boyfriend and I have struggled a lot with sexual sin. We know it’s wrong, we know all the theoretical and Biblical reasons under the sun for why we should stop, but we continue to sin in this way against God and each other.

The thing with sin is, it doesn’t just confine itself to one area of your life, content with the ruin and destruction it causes there. It seeps through into all the areas of your heart. It breeds selfishness and anger and hatred.

( I realise that putting my trust Jesus’ death on the cross means that sin no longer has power over me, but it still has real life consequences, which is what I’m talking about here.)

Jesus has some pretty serious words to say about sexual sin in his Sermon on the Mount:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”

– Matthew 5:27-30

I find it so easy to be passive about my sin. My thinking would go something like this: “Oh, I know my right hand causes me to sin, but it’s not really that often. And even when I do, it’s not so bad. Remember what I used to be like? Well, I’m not like that anymore… doesn’t that count for something? If it really comes to that, I’ll cut it off, but I can’t see me needing to…”

And yet here I have Jesus, Son of the Most High God and Lord of my life, telling me to cut off the things in my life that cause me to sin. NOW! Not if the sinning continues, not if it gets worse, not if people start to notice.

If it causes you to sin, cut it off.

So here I am, in the middle of a week (maybe longer) of “just friends” with my boyfriend.

We decided that spending some time apart (though, not ignorant of each other) would be the best thing to help us get our lives and hearts back on track.

It’s been really difficult, and also confronting.

I am made alarmingly aware of my own selfishness when I want to wallow in my hurt and self-pity, when I expect people to treat me with sensitivity (despite not telling most people about our little break) and most of all, when I want to end this and just go back to the comfort of a relationship.

Perhaps my selfishness was a big part of what created our problems in the first place.

I never realised how hard it would be to get rid of sin once it had become so settled in my heart. Although, Jesus never did say it would be easy, pleasant, or even comfortable.

He said it would be painful. As painful as cutting off your hand or gouging out your eye.

It does hurt at the moment, but I am trying to be more like Jesus, who paid the ultimate price out of love.

I’ll let you know how it goes at the end of the week.



Here are some of the lyrics of songs that deal quite well with this issue, and which I personally love:

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don’t be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed…

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don’t break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

– ‘Let It All Out’, Relient K


It’s better off this way
To be deaf, dumb and lame
Than to be the way I am, I am
It’s better off this way
Than be groping for the flame
Than to be the way I am, I am
– ‘The Way I Am’, Jennifer Knapp